George Carlin Zitate (312 Zitate, seite 9) | Zitate berühmter Personen

Really. You never see a memo that says 9:01.
Occupation: Foole (1973)
Quelle: Carlin, George, perf. Occupation: Foole. Rec. 02 Mar 1973. Monte Kay, Jack Lewis, 1973. Vinyl recording.

“The Paradox of Our Time is one of many stories that has been forwarded around the internet and attributed to Carlin, but is actually by Bob Moorehead.”

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George Carlin

"Don't Blame Me", Georgecarlin.com (official website), 2012-09-09 http://www.georgecarlin.com/home/dontblame.html, "snopes.com: The Paradox of Our Time", Snopes.com, 2012-09-09 http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/paradox.asp, Misattributed

“Next time you're at a wishing well. Doesn't happen often. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you gimme my money back—or I'm shittin' in the well!”

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George Carlin

What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

“I do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals, such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. In fact, I regularly pray for serious, life-threatening rodeo injuries. I wish for a cowboy to walk crooked, and with great pain, for the rest of his life.”

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George Carlin

Animal Instincts
Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

“I don’t believe in road rage; I prefer the gentle rebuke. If I don’t like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, “I hope your children turn out poorly.” Only once have I lost my cool. That was the time I said to a woman, “I hope you get a blister on your cunt.’ But I said it with a smile.”

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George Carlin

Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

“Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr.”

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George Carlin

Books, Brain Droppings (1997)

“Think of the intellect it must take to derive pleasure from this activity: Hitting a ball with a crooked stick…and walking after it! And then…hitting it again! I say pick it up, asshole, you're lucky you found the fuckin' thing! Put it in your pocket and go home, you're a winner! You're a winner! But no, Dorko in the plaid knickers is gonna hit it again, and walk some more.”

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George Carlin

"Golf Courses for the Homeless"
Jammin' in New York (1992)

“I am a Bad American is another mass-forwarded internet message often attributed to George Carlin, but was not written by him.”

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George Carlin

"Bogus Carlin email", GeorgeCarlin.com (official website, 2012-09-09 http://georgecarlin.com/home/bogus.html, Misattributed

“Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.”

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George Carlin

Toledo Window Box (1974)

“I, George Carlin, being of sound mind, do not wish, upon my demise, to be buried or cremated. I wish to be BLOWN UP.”

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George Carlin

Books, Last Words (2009)

“You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient.”

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George Carlin

"Extreme Human Behavior"
Life Is Worth Losing (2005)

“If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!"”

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George Carlin

But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?"
Occupation: Foole (1973)

“So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one — civil war. D'you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? "Say, pardon me…*machinegun sounds*… I'm awfully sorry! Awfully sorry."
Now of course the Civil War has been over for about 120 years. But… not so you'd really notice it. Because you see we have these people called "Civil War buffs"… in fact some of these people actually get dressed up once a year and then go out and re-fight these battles. D'you know what I say to these people? USE LIVE AMMUNITION ASSHOLES, WOULD YA PLEASE?! You might just raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!”

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George Carlin

What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

“One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is "libertarian". People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable and, to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.”

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George Carlin

Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

“I was on a talk show recently, and the host asked me, "What do you think about the dope problem?" I said, "Definitely, I feel we have too many dopes." No question about it. That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugs… it's all those DRUG stores, right? Every three or four blocks, there's a big sign: "DRUGS", "Open All Night – DRUGS", "We Deliver – DRUGS", "Cut-rate DRUGS"… it's the biggest thing on their sign: "Cosmetics – Sundries – DRUGS".”

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George Carlin

FM & AM (1972)

“Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me.Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it.And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff.”

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George Carlin

Don't Blame Me https://web.archive.org/web/20120621054133/http://www.georgecarlin.com/home/dontblame.html Internet, Georgecarlin.com (official website)

“For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat. ”

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George Carlin

“The fanatics have another name for fetuses. They call them the pre-born.”

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George Carlin

Now we're getting creative. If you accept pre-born, I think you would have to say that, at the moment of birth, we go instantly from being pre-born to being pre-dead. Makes sense, doesn't it? Technically, we're all pre-dead.
Quelle: Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004), p. 162

“During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as human shields.”

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George Carlin

That's not accurate. Although it's true they were used as shields, the fact is they were humans already. So if these humans were used as shields, they were human shields. They weren't being used as human shields. Got that?
Books, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

“And camcorders: here is technology gone berserk. Everywhere you go now, there’s some dick, some yo-yo, some putz with a camcorder, and he is going to tape…EVERYTHING! Doesn’t anyone in this country stop and LOOK AT THINGS anymore? Sort of take them in? Maybe even…remember them? Is that such a strange notion. Does experience need to be documented and brought home and saved on a shelf? And do people really watch this shit? Are people’s lives so bankrupt they sit at home looking at things they already DID?”

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George Carlin

"Free-Floating Hostility"
Back in Town (1996)

“I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked 5 twos!”

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George Carlin

Playing With Your Head (1986)

“Undisputed heavyweight champion.”

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George Carlin

Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about?
Books, Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)