George Carlin Zitate

seite 9

„Unterschätze niemals die Macht dummer Leute in großen Gruppen.“

„Haben Sie beim Autofahren schon bemerkt, daß jeder, der langsamer fährt als Sie, ein Idiot ist und jeder, der schneller fährt, ein Verrückter?“

„Denken Sie daran, wie dumm der Durchschnittsmensch ist, und stellen Sie fest, dass die Hälfte von ihnen dümmer ist.“

„Ich mag es, wenn eine Blume oder ein kleines Grasbüschel durch einen Riss im Beton wächst. Es ist so verdammt heroisch.“

„Die Raupe macht die ganze Arbeit, aber der Schmetterling bekommt die ganze Aufmerksamkeit.“

„Findet Zeit Euch zu lieben, findet Zeit miteinander zu sprechen, findet Zeit, alles was Ihr zu sagen habt miteinander zu teilen, - denn das Leben wird nicht gemessen an der Anzahl der Atemzüge, sondern an der Anzahl der Augenblicke, die uns den Atem rauben.“

„Der Grund, warum der Weihnachtsmann so lustig ist, ist, weil er weiß, wo all die bösen Mädchen leben.“

„Wir haben dem Leben Jahre hinzugefügt, aber nicht den Jahren Leben.“

„Es ist die Zeit, in der es wichtiger ist, etwas im Schaufenster zu haben statt im Laden, wo moderne Technik einen Text wie diesen in Windeseile in die ganze Welt tragen kann, und wo sie die Wahl haben: das Leben ändern oder den Text löschen.“

„Es ist die Zeit der schnellen Reisen, der Wegwerfwindeln und der Wegwerfmoral, der Beziehungen für eine Nacht und des Übergewichts. Es ist die Zeit der Pillen, die alles können: sie erregen uns, sie beruhigen uns, sie töten uns.“

„Es ist die Zeit schnellen Essens und der schlechten Verdauung, der großen Männer und der kleinkarierten Seelen, der leichten Profite und der schwierigen Beziehungen. Es ist die Zeit des größeren Familieneinkommens und der Scheidungen, der schöneren Häuser und des zerstörten Zuhause.“

„Mögen die Mächte des Bösen auf dem Weg zu deinem Haus verwirrt werden.“

„Wir haben größere Häuser,
aber kleinere Familien.“

„Wir wissen, wie man seinen Lebensunterhalt verdient, aber nicht mehr, wie man lebt.“

„Wir haben die Luft gereinigt, aber die Seelen verschmutzt. Wir können Atome spalten, aber nicht unsere Vorurteile.“

„Wir haben unseren Besitz vervielfacht,
aber unsere Werte reduziert.“

„Wenn du versuchst zu scheitern und Erfolg hast, was hast du getan?“

„Lache oft, lang und laut. Lache, bis du nach Luft schnappst.“

„Wir schreiben mehr, aber wissen weniger, wir planen mehr, aber erreichen weniger. Wir haben gelernt, schnell zu sein, aber wir können nicht warten.“

„Es heißt Amerikanischer Traum, denn man muss schlafen, um es zu glauben.“

„Wir rauchen zu stark, trinken zu viel, wir geben verantwortungslos viel aus, wir lachen zu wenig, fahren zu schnell, regen uns zu schnell auf, gehen zu spät schlafen, stehen zu müde auf, wir lesen zu wenig, sehen zu viel fern, beten zu selten.“

„Wir kommen zum Mond, aber nicht mehr an die Tür des Nachbarn.“

„Miau bedeutet "Wuff" in Katzisch.“

„Religion ist wie ein Paar Schuhe ... Finde einen, der zu dir passt, aber lass mich deine Schuhe nicht tragen.“

„Ich mache diese echte Idiotensache und sie heißt Denken. Und anscheinend bin ich kein sehr guter Amerikaner, weil ich meine eigenen Meinungen bilden mag.“

„Sagen Sie den Menschen, dass es einen unsichtbaren Mann am Himmel gibt, der das Universum erschaffen hat, und die große Mehrheit wird Ihnen glauben. Sagen Sie ihnen, dass das Gemalte nass ist und sie müssen es berühren, um sich zu vergewissern.“

„Wir haben den Weltraum erobert, aber nicht den Raum in uns. Wir machen größere Dinge, aber nicht bessere.“

„Wir produzieren neue Computer, die mehr Informationen speichern und eine Unmenge Kopien produzieren, aber wir verkehren weniger miteinander.“

„Wir können Atome spalten,
aber nicht unsere Vorurteile.“

„Wir haben hohe Gebäude,
aber eine niedrige Toleranz.“

„Vermeiden Sie Personen mit Goldzähnen,
die Karten spielen wollen.“

„Der Grund, warum ich mit mir selbst spreche, ist, dass ich die einzige bin, deren Antworten ich akzeptiere.“

„Männer kommen von der Erde, Frauen sind von der Erde. Komm damit klar.“

„In jedem Zyniker steckt ein enttäuschter Idealist.“

„Wenn ich frage, wie alt Ihr Kleinkind ist, muss ich nicht "27 Monate" hören. "Er ist zwei" reicht vollkommen. Er ist kein Käse. Und es hat mich sowieso nicht wirklich interessiert.“

„Ist es nicht ein bisschen nervig, dass Ärzte das, was sie tun, als „Praxis“ bezeichnen?“

„Ehrlichkeit mag die beste Politik sein, aber es ist wichtig, sich daran zu erinnern, dass Unehrlichkeit anscheinend durch Beseitigung die zweitbeste Politik ist.“

„Ich ging zu einer Buchhandlung und fragte die Verkäuferin: "Wo ist der Selbsthilfebereich?" Sie sagte, wenn sie es mir sagte, würde es den Zweck verfehlen.“

“I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. Of course, I wouldn’t abandon the religious theme completely. How about “Holy Christ, the Christmas Tree’s on Fire”? Or ”Jesus, Can You Believe It’s Christmas Again?” This ought to get the ball rolling; I’m hoping you people will take it from here.”

“An art thief is a man who takes pictures.”

“I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people; a maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.”

“During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as human shields. That's not accurate. Although it's true they were used as shields, the fact is they were humans already. So if these humans were used as shields, they were human shields. They weren't being used as human shields. Got that?”

“I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshiper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshiper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know?…”

“Nobody goes right to work. You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minute belong to you, right? It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. "I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?"”

“The Paradox of Our Time is one of many stories that has been forwarded around the internet and attributed to Carlin, but is actually by Bob Moorehead.”

“Next time you're at a wishing well. Doesn't happen often. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you gimme my money back—or I'm shittin' in the well!”

“I do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals, such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. In fact, I regularly pray for serious, life-threatening rodeo injuries. I wish for a cowboy to walk crooked, and with great pain, for the rest of his life.”

“I don’t believe in road rage; I prefer the gentle rebuke. If I don’t like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, “I hope your children turn out poorly.” Only once have I lost my cool. That was the time I said to a woman, “I hope you get a blister on your cunt.’ But I said it with a smile.”

“Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr.”

“Think of the intellect it must take to derive pleasure from this activity: Hitting a ball with a crooked stick…and walking after it! And then…hitting it again! I say pick it up, asshole, you're lucky you found the fuckin' thing! Put it in your pocket and go home, you're a winner! You're a winner! But no, Dorko in the plaid knickers is gonna hit it again, and walk some more.”

“I am a Bad American is another mass-forwarded internet message often attributed to George Carlin, but was not written by him.”

“Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.”

“I, George Carlin, being of sound mind, do not wish, upon my demise, to be buried or cremated. I wish to be BLOWN UP.”

“You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient.”

“If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!"”

“So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one — civil war. D'you think anybody in this country could ever really have a civil war? "Say, pardon me…*machinegun sounds*… I'm awfully sorry! Awfully sorry."
Now of course the Civil War has been over for about 120 years. But… not so you'd really notice it. Because you see we have these people called "Civil War buffs"… in fact some of these people actually get dressed up once a year and then go out and re-fight these battles. D'you know what I say to these people? USE LIVE AMMUNITION ASSHOLES, WOULD YA PLEASE?! You might just raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!”

“One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is "libertarian". People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable and, to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.”

“I was on a talk show recently, and the host asked me, "What do you think about the dope problem?" I said, "Definitely, I feel we have too many dopes." No question about it. That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugs… it's all those DRUG stores, right? Every three or four blocks, there's a big sign: "DRUGS", "Open All Night – DRUGS", "We Deliver – DRUGS", "Cut-rate DRUGS"… it's the biggest thing on their sign: "Cosmetics – Sundries – DRUGS".”

“Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me.Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it.And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff.”

“For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat. ”

“The fanatics have another name for fetuses. They call them the pre-born.”

“During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as human shields.”

“And camcorders: here is technology gone berserk. Everywhere you go now, there’s some dick, some yo-yo, some putz with a camcorder, and he is going to tape…EVERYTHING! Doesn’t anyone in this country stop and LOOK AT THINGS anymore? Sort of take them in? Maybe even…remember them? Is that such a strange notion. Does experience need to be documented and brought home and saved on a shelf? And do people really watch this shit? Are people’s lives so bankrupt they sit at home looking at things they already DID?”

“I never fucked a 10, but one night I fucked 5 twos!”

“Undisputed heavyweight champion.”

“Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people [snaps fingers] just like that!”

“I hate groups of people but I love individuals. Every single person, you can see the universe in their eyes if you're really looking.”