George Carlin Zitate

seite 8

„Unterschätze niemals die Macht dummer Leute in großen Gruppen.“

„Haben Sie beim Autofahren schon bemerkt, daß jeder, der langsamer fährt als Sie, ein Idiot ist und jeder, der schneller fährt, ein Verrückter?“

„Denken Sie daran, wie dumm der Durchschnittsmensch ist, und stellen Sie fest, dass die Hälfte von ihnen dümmer ist.“

„Ich mag es, wenn eine Blume oder ein kleines Grasbüschel durch einen Riss im Beton wächst. Es ist so verdammt heroisch.“

„Die Raupe macht die ganze Arbeit, aber der Schmetterling bekommt die ganze Aufmerksamkeit.“

„Findet Zeit Euch zu lieben, findet Zeit miteinander zu sprechen, findet Zeit, alles was Ihr zu sagen habt miteinander zu teilen, - denn das Leben wird nicht gemessen an der Anzahl der Atemzüge, sondern an der Anzahl der Augenblicke, die uns den Atem rauben.“

„Der Grund, warum der Weihnachtsmann so lustig ist, ist, weil er weiß, wo all die bösen Mädchen leben.“

„Wir haben dem Leben Jahre hinzugefügt, aber nicht den Jahren Leben.“

„Es ist die Zeit, in der es wichtiger ist, etwas im Schaufenster zu haben statt im Laden, wo moderne Technik einen Text wie diesen in Windeseile in die ganze Welt tragen kann, und wo sie die Wahl haben: das Leben ändern oder den Text löschen.“

„Es ist die Zeit der schnellen Reisen, der Wegwerfwindeln und der Wegwerfmoral, der Beziehungen für eine Nacht und des Übergewichts. Es ist die Zeit der Pillen, die alles können: sie erregen uns, sie beruhigen uns, sie töten uns.“

„Es ist die Zeit schnellen Essens und der schlechten Verdauung, der großen Männer und der kleinkarierten Seelen, der leichten Profite und der schwierigen Beziehungen. Es ist die Zeit des größeren Familieneinkommens und der Scheidungen, der schöneren Häuser und des zerstörten Zuhause.“

„Mögen die Mächte des Bösen auf dem Weg zu deinem Haus verwirrt werden.“

„Wir haben größere Häuser,
aber kleinere Familien.“

„Wir wissen, wie man seinen Lebensunterhalt verdient, aber nicht mehr, wie man lebt.“

„Wir haben die Luft gereinigt, aber die Seelen verschmutzt. Wir können Atome spalten, aber nicht unsere Vorurteile.“

„Wir haben unseren Besitz vervielfacht,
aber unsere Werte reduziert.“

„Wenn du versuchst zu scheitern und Erfolg hast, was hast du getan?“

„Lache oft, lang und laut. Lache, bis du nach Luft schnappst.“

„Wir schreiben mehr, aber wissen weniger, wir planen mehr, aber erreichen weniger. Wir haben gelernt, schnell zu sein, aber wir können nicht warten.“

„Es heißt Amerikanischer Traum, denn man muss schlafen, um es zu glauben.“

„Wir rauchen zu stark, trinken zu viel, wir geben verantwortungslos viel aus, wir lachen zu wenig, fahren zu schnell, regen uns zu schnell auf, gehen zu spät schlafen, stehen zu müde auf, wir lesen zu wenig, sehen zu viel fern, beten zu selten.“

„Wir kommen zum Mond, aber nicht mehr an die Tür des Nachbarn.“

„Miau bedeutet "Wuff" in Katzisch.“

„Religion ist wie ein Paar Schuhe ... Finde einen, der zu dir passt, aber lass mich deine Schuhe nicht tragen.“

„Ich mache diese echte Idiotensache und sie heißt Denken. Und anscheinend bin ich kein sehr guter Amerikaner, weil ich meine eigenen Meinungen bilden mag.“

„Sagen Sie den Menschen, dass es einen unsichtbaren Mann am Himmel gibt, der das Universum erschaffen hat, und die große Mehrheit wird Ihnen glauben. Sagen Sie ihnen, dass das Gemalte nass ist und sie müssen es berühren, um sich zu vergewissern.“

„Wir haben den Weltraum erobert, aber nicht den Raum in uns. Wir machen größere Dinge, aber nicht bessere.“

„Wir produzieren neue Computer, die mehr Informationen speichern und eine Unmenge Kopien produzieren, aber wir verkehren weniger miteinander.“

„Wir können Atome spalten,
aber nicht unsere Vorurteile.“

„Wir haben hohe Gebäude,
aber eine niedrige Toleranz.“

„Vermeiden Sie Personen mit Goldzähnen,
die Karten spielen wollen.“

„Der Grund, warum ich mit mir selbst spreche, ist, dass ich die einzige bin, deren Antworten ich akzeptiere.“

„Männer kommen von der Erde, Frauen sind von der Erde. Komm damit klar.“

„In jedem Zyniker steckt ein enttäuschter Idealist.“

„Wenn ich frage, wie alt Ihr Kleinkind ist, muss ich nicht "27 Monate" hören. "Er ist zwei" reicht vollkommen. Er ist kein Käse. Und es hat mich sowieso nicht wirklich interessiert.“

„Ist es nicht ein bisschen nervig, dass Ärzte das, was sie tun, als „Praxis“ bezeichnen?“

„Ehrlichkeit mag die beste Politik sein, aber es ist wichtig, sich daran zu erinnern, dass Unehrlichkeit anscheinend durch Beseitigung die zweitbeste Politik ist.“

„Ich ging zu einer Buchhandlung und fragte die Verkäuferin: "Wo ist der Selbsthilfebereich?" Sie sagte, wenn sie es mir sagte, würde es den Zweck verfehlen.“

“Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line… I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me.”

“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts … Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.”

“The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers…but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!”

“Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd.”

“I wonder why prostitution is illegal. Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?”

“"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.”

“There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.”

“If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.”

“And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles."”

“Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? First thing- "Hey! It was stolen!" It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. "Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!"”

“I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow.”

“Some day birth control will come off prescription, and they'll need those cute little catchy names like the patent medicines have…some day birth control pills will have names like, "Preg-Not"! Doctors prefer "Embry-No"! Here's one for the ladies, "Nary-A-Carry"! Something lofty and poetic: "Nay Family Way"; something earthhy and crude: "Mom Bomb"; something for the youngsters, "Junior Miss"; here's a real man's product, "Inconceivable"! "Mommy-Not", "Fetus Fail", "Kiddie Kill", "Papa Stopper", "Womb Broom", "Humpty Dumpty"… I wouldn't be surprised if they came up with a birth control pill that doesn't work all the time; they'd call it "Baby Maybe!"”

“Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. Irony is "a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result." For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony. If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic.”

“Spoiler: advertising man says, "It's Good!"”

“I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.”

“Birth control pills are still on prescription. You still need a note to get laid.”

“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body”

“It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.”

“This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, "Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died." "Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday." "Yeah? … Didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's death. How do you live with yourself?"”

“You might have noticed that I never complain about politicians. I leave that to others. And there's no shortage of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. Everyone says they suck. But where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky; they don't pass through a membrane from a separate reality. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. And they're elected by American voters. This is what our system produces, folks. This is the best we can do. Let's face it, we have very little to work with. Garbage in, garbage out.”

“I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.”

“Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a… secret; "You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that." Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in.”

“I give you my revised list of the two commandments: "Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie", and "thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course they pray to a different invisible man than the one you pray to". Two is all you need; Moses could have carried them down the hill in his fuckin' pocket, and I wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama posting them on the courthouse wall, as long as they provided one additional commandment: "Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself".”

“We are on a nice downward glide. I call it circling the drain … And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster, if you watch the sink empty… Huish! And we'll be gone. And that's fine. I welcome it. I wish I could live 1000 years to watch it happen. From a distance — so I can see it all.”

“The fanatics have another name for fetuses. They call them the pre-born. Now we're getting creative. If you accept pre-born, I think you would have to say that, at the moment of birth, we go instantly from being pre-born to being pre-dead. Makes sense, doesn't it? Technically, we're all pre-dead.”

“Let's go for a drive OK? Well I'll go for a drive, you'll go for a ride. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. People don't know that, tell them when they're in your car. Say "you assholes are goin' for a ride!"”

“When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. They never mention coffee. The low end of the speed spectrum, I grant you, but there are coffee freaks. And they're walking around, nobody worrying about it.”

“The planet is fine. The people are [bleeped out]. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live. They don't care about the planet in theory. They just care about having a comfortable place. And these people with the fires and the floods and everything, they overbuild, they put nature to the test and they get what's coming to them. That's what I say. That's what's happening, and I can't wait for the sea levels to rise. I can't wait for some of these cities to disappear. There are places that are going to go away. The map is going to change and that's because -- people think nature is outside of them. They don't take into them the idea that we are part of it. They say, "oh, we're going for a nature walk. We're going to the country because we like nature." Nature is in here. [points to chest] And if you're in tune with it, like the Indians, the Hopis, especially, the balance of life, the balance, the harmony of nature, if you understand that, you don't overbuild. You don’t do all this moron stuff.”

“Let me get a sip of water here…you figure this stuff is safe to drink? [audience yells "No"] Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? 'Cause I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.”