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David Barry, Jr. ist ein US-amerikanischer humoristischer Bestsellerautor und Pulitzer-Preisträger, der von 1983 bis 2005 eine im Miami Herald erschienene Kolumne geschrieben hat, die in den gesamten USA verbreitet war. Wikipedia  

✵ 3. Juli 1947
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Dave Barry: Zitate auf Englisch

“I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.”

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Dave Barry

“If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.”

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Dave Barry

“Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!”

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Dave Barry

“There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.”

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Dave Barry

“The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.”

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Dave Barry

“Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.”

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Dave Barry

“If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.”

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Dave Barry

“Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.”

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Dave Barry

“normal person's weekly chore list:
1. clean kitchen.
2. clean bathroom.
3. clean entire rest of domicile.
cleaning impaired person's weekly chore list:
1. don't get peanut butter on sheets.”

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Dave Barry

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”

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Dave Barry

Dave Barry Turns 40 (1990)

“The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”

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Dave Barry

“Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.”

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Dave Barry

“Black Stache had no love for the Queen, no love for women of any sort, except for his ma. He had a real soft spot for his ma, and was truly sorry for the time he’d marooned her.”

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Dave Barry buch Peter and the Starcatchers

Quelle: Peter and the Starcatchers

“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.”

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Dave Barry

"The Funny Side of 'Beowulf'", The Miami Herald, November 2, 1997.
Columns and articles

“If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert’s Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, why, then, Peter would declare himself eleven. Also, he could spit the farthest. That made him the undisputed leader.”

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Dave Barry buch Peter and the Starcatchers

Quelle: Peter and the Starcatchers

“All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required".”

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Dave Barry

“The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.”

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Dave Barry

The Taming of the Screw (1983)
Quelle: The Taming of the Screw: How to Sidestep Several Million Homeowner's Problems

“The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.”

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Dave Barry

“Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example, wedding vows.”

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Dave Barry

Quelle: Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys

“Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.”

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Dave Barry

“In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.”

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Dave Barry

Quelle: Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States

“If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover.”

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Dave Barry buch Peter and the Starcatchers

Quelle: Peter and the Starcatchers

“He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he’d gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really liked his beloved wife.”

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Dave Barry buch Peter and the Starcatchers

Quelle: Peter and the Starcatchers

“Nobody understands how hard it is, being a captain.”

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Dave Barry buch Peter and the Starcatchers

Quelle: Peter and the Starcatchers

“… when the armed robber of unhappiness knocks over the Keebler cookie display of our complacency, and bangs the samurai sword of negativity on the checkout counter of our dreams, we must not be afraid to hurl the fruit cocktail can of hope.”

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Dave Barry

“Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.”

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Dave Barry

“He could even think about how fast he was thinking about things.”

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Dave Barry buch Peter and the Starcatchers

Quelle: Peter and the Starcatchers

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