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“Jesus is great — is there a better role model? No. It's religion, it's the people who get in between — the bureaucracy, you know. … It's the way people abuse Jesus. Was there ever a greater victim of name dropping?”

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Bill Maher

Be More Cynical (2000) - YouTube clip "Bill Maher on Jesus" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4WMBzived0 Variants: I love Jesus. I just don’t like the Christians who don’t believe in what he says. Realtime (7 October 2005) http://www.billmaher.com/?page_id=145 Jesus, as a philosopher is wonderful. There's no greater role model, in my view, than Jesus Christ. It's just a shame that most of the people who follow him and call themselves Christians act nothing like him. Interviewed on The O'Reilly Factor (26 September 2006) - YouTube clip "Fox's O'Reilly: Bill Maher Looks Bigoted Not John Rocker?" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2555oNAMcfA

“Rush Limbaugh, who has made a career preaching that anybody who does drugs has got to go right to jail -- do not pass go, no questions asked, right to jail -- gets caught doing thirty oxycontin a day. Thirty oxycontin?! Do you have any idea how high that is?! I don't, and I've been pretty high!”

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Bill Maher

I'm Swiss (2005)

“Did you know that of the 14 states with the highest number of painkiller prescriptions per person, they all went for Trump?”

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Bill Maher

January 20th 2017
Real Time with Bill Maher

“I'd like to protect children, too, but… is everything worth sacrificing to that? I mean, drugs have done a lot of good. […] They've midwived a lot of good ideas… lot of great songs, you know? I think "Penny Lane" is worth 10 dead kids. […] I think Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. There, I said it.”

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Bill Maher

I'm Swiss (2005)

“There’s only one faith, for example, that kills you or wants to kill you if you draw a bad cartoon of the prophet. There’s only one faith that kills you or wants to kill you if you renounce the faith… obviously, most Muslim people are not terrorists. But ask most Muslim people in the world, if you insult the prophet, do you have what’s coming to you? It’s more than just a fringe element.”

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Bill Maher

Bill Maher: Jeff Poor, "Bill Maher: Comparing violence of Islam to Christianity ‘liberal bullsh*t’ [VIDEO"], The Daily Caller, April 20, 2013 (archived).

“I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and we still don't get it. I think we all stick our head in the sand as a deep human impulse.”

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Bill Maher

When You Ride Alone You Ride with Bin Laden: What the Government Should Be Telling Us to Help Fight the War on Terrorism (2002)

“If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.”

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Bill Maher

Larry King Live, 11 August 2005; in response to a called-in question if he would become a believer if the Lord spoke to him

“Muslims still take their religion too seriously, whereas we have the good sense to blow it off. Catholics don’t follow the Pope. In overwhelming numbers they divorce, they have pre-marital sex, they masturbate. And unlike the Koran, no one here seriously considers following the Bible literally. Guys don't look over their fence on Sunday morning and see a neighbor mowing the lawn and think, "Working on Sunday? I really should kill him."… But, before I conclude, it should in fairness be noted that, in speaking of Muslims, we realize that of course the vast majority are law-abiding, loving people who just want to be left alone to subjugate their women in peace.”

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"The South Park Mohammad controversy" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUEaMA4gRIk Real Time with Bill Maher

“I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream— to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too.”

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Bill Maher

On getting his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (14 September 2010), as reported on Larry King Live (14 September 2010)

“I would say that the feminine values are now the values of America; sensitivity is more important than truth; feelings are more important than facts; commitment is more important than individuality; children are more important than people; safety is more important than fun. I always hear women say, "Y'know, married men live longer." Uh, yes, and an indoor cat… also… lives longer. It's a fur-ball with a broken spirit that can only look out on a world it will never enjoy, but it does, technically, live longer.”

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Bill Maher

Victory Begins at Home (20 January 2004)

“More and more American pharmacists are refusing to fill prescriptions for birth control because of their personal moral objections. Hey, you know what would really teach us a lesson? If you took off your pretend doctor jacket and got another job. … Now, of course, I know the other side is saying, yes, but this is a moral issue. Yeah, but the problem is, not everyone gets their morals from the same book. You go by the book that says slavery is okay but sex is wrong until after marriage, at which point it becomes a blessed sacrament between a husband and the wife who is withholding it.
In conclusion, let me say to all the activist pharmacists out there, the ones who think sex is bad probably because sex with them always is. Fellas, a pharmacist is not a law-giver, not even a doctor. In the medical pecking order, you rank somewhere in between a chiropractor and a tree surgeon.
You don't answer to a law above the laws of men. You work for Sav-On. The doctors are the ones who make medical decisions because they went to medical school, whereas you were transferred from the counter where people drop off film.”

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New Rules (2005)

“We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.”

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Bill Maher

The Golden Goose Special (1997)

“The one that's easy to say now is, "I Support The Troops". Doesn't cost ya anything. But I've got a question for you: can you really support the troops if you also support these massive tax cuts for the very rich? Because the people we say are our heroes are paid by tax dollars. And we hear about, teachers have to buy their own school supplies, soldiers in this country are on food stamps…couldn't somebody in congress stand up and say, "Why don't we take half of that big tax cut and give it to our heroes?"”

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Or is that why they're our heroes, because they work cheap?
Victory Begins at Home (20 January 2004)

“Government — they used to teach it in college. It's actually something you should study and learn and know how to do. The Republicans always run on the idea that government isn't very effective. Well, not the way you do it. But it can be effective.”

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Bill Maher

As quoted in "Real talk with Bill Maher" by Joan Walsh at Salon.com (16 February 2007) http://www.salon.com/ent/tv/int/2007/02/16/maher/index2.html

“Rudy Giuliani's first wife was his cousin. Did you know this? I think that's a very cheap way to go after the Southern vote.”

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The Decider (21 July 2007)

“I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.”

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Bill Maher

Larry King Live interview (2010)

“Dealing w/ Hamas is like dealing w/ a crazy woman who's trying to kill u - u can only hold her wrists so long before you have to slap her”

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Tweet https://twitter.com/billmaher/statuses/489930991956262913 (17 July 2014)

“There's a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can't because it's not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it's not "nation-builder."”

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But I'm Not Wrong (2010)

“Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy.”

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Bill Maher Confesses: ‘Selling Pot Allowed Me to Get Through College’ http://www.mediaite.com/tv/bill-maher-confesses-selling-pot-allowed-me-to-get-through-college/ September 9, 2013.

“The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?”

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The Golden Goose Special (1997)

“We can't even reform the way we make pennies and nickels. This week we learn that making a penny now costs 2 cents and making a nickel costs 9 cents, which makes no sense.”

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"Apple should take over government" http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=UiZVrzz_zfE&NR=1 May 14, 2010. Real Time with Bill Maher

“I'll clue you in on a secret: death is not the worst thing that could happen to you. I know we think that; we are the first society ever to think that. It's not worse than dishonor; it's not worse than losing your freedom; its not worse than losing a sense of personal responsibility.”

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Bill Maher

Be More Cynical (2000)

“This is the first time in my lifetime that a president has been from a city. From a place I would go. He's from Chicago; I love Chicago! I go there! Would I ever go to Wasilla, Alaska? Or Hope, Arkansas? Or Plains, Georgia? Or Crawford, Texas? Not on a bet! There's a reason small towns are small: no one wants to live there.”

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But I'm Not Wrong (2010)

“Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.”

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I'm Swiss (2005)

“The values of Western civilization are not just different, they're better. I know a whole generation has been raised on the notion of multiculturalism, that all civilizations are just different. No, not always. Sometimes things are better. Rule of law is better than autocracy and theocracy. Equality of the sexes, better. Protection of minorities, better. Free speech, better.”

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Bill Maher

Free elections, better.
Victory Begins at Home (20 January 2004)

“It's so childish, "greatest country in the world." It's like saying, "I have the greatest wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the greatest wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife."”

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The Decider (21 July 2007)

“If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won't give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can't afford to have your head examined.”

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Real Time with Bill Maher Quelle: "On the poor and the rich" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKe7XNTWTUc&feature=PlayList&p=159B6F88FE3D7D74&playnext_from=PL&index=44

“In America, if a Democrat even thinks you're calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.”

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"French Lesson" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dVgNroeafo&feature=PlayList&p=159B6F88FE3D7D74&playnext_from=PL&index=54 Real Time with Bill Maher

“… if you rejoice in revenge, torture, and war […] you cannot say you're a follower of the guy who explicitly said "love your enemies" and "do good to those who hate you". The next line isn't, "And if that doesn't work, send a titanium-fanged dog to rip his nuts off". Jesus lays on that hippie stuff pretty thick! He has lines like, "do not repay evil with evil", and "do not take revenge on someone who wrongs you."”

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Really! It's in that book you hold up when you scream at gay people.
"New Rules" segment, May 13, 2011; discussing many Christians' support of Osama bin Laden assassinationn and terrorist torture
Real Time with Bill Maher

“I thought this election was an adult discussion on how best to protect ourselves in the face of terrorism, but apparently it was a referendum on boys kissing. I didn't know that, nobody.. told me that. But when homophobia trumps terrorism in America, wow.”

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This country needs to get laid.
I'm Swiss (2005)