Bill Maher Zitate

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“I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.”

“We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.”

“I think religion is a neurological disorder.”

“We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep & conformists.”

“Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.”

“Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.”

“That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.”

“The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.”

“I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?”

“To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.”

“You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.”

“Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.”

“The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.”

“Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?”

“Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?”

“If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.”

“America really has no Left party. We have a center-right party -- which I would call what the Democrats are now -- and then we have the Republicans, a party that drove the Crazy Bus straight into Nut Town.”

“"Couples should explore their mutual fantasies." There's no such thing as a mutual fantasy. Yours bore us; ours offend you.”

“Is it really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn't know a game is going on?”

“Isn't he [Bush] the worst president ever? I mean, when his term is over, he has to walk back to Texas.”

“… even scarier is why people have stopped thinking global warming is real. One major reason, pollsters say, is, "we had a very cold, snowy winter". Which is like saying the sun might not be real because last night it got dark.”

“We have been the cowards, lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, that's not cowardly. Stupid maybe, but not cowardly.”

“We're going to get into partisan bickering because more than half of Republicans agreed with the statement that said Obama is trying to impose Islamic law on America. I mean that is a very radical thing to believe. And it's more than half of Republicans. Not tea baggers. Not radicals. The mainstream Republican people.”

“I think the guy was mostly a coke dealer, but I didn’t do coke. I never understood that drug. If you want to be edgy and nervous, go to work.”

“It's very sad how in the information age you cannot get information into people's heads. As long as you write something on the internet and do not add LOL — it is true. "I'm not sure he's a Christian" — I'm not sure he's a mammal, Jay. He could be a werewolf.”

“Charlton Heston… recently was re-elected president of the NRA for the third term. And they made an exception, because their charter, their constitution, says you can only have two terms, but they changed it. Ah. So constitutions can change. Interesting. Because it is called the Second Amendment. The word "amendment" itself means, "We had another thought! We re-thought something!"”

“You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery, but a little modesty about it might keep the heat off of us. I can't stand the people who say things like, "We built this country!" You built nothing. I think the railroads were pretty much up by 1980.”

“You've got to give it up for our troops. The mission itself is hard enough, but then there's all sorts of backdoor drafts where they extend their tours, calling up the guard, the reserve; all these Enron accounting tricks so that Rumsfeld doesn't have to admit he got the troop levels wrong, and still they don't bug out. And I see this, and then I watch some reality show, and I see people who are peevish and selfish and greedy and narcissistic and lazy and stupid, and I think to myself, "Why is this first group of people defending this second group of people?"”

“The Partnership for a Drug Free America? Please, make me laugh and gag at the same time with that title. They're a lobbying arm for the liquor and prescription drug industries. They don't want a drug-free America, they want an America free of the drugs that are their competition.”