As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 147
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“Two is company; three is fifty bucks.”
Reported in The Quotable Quote Book (1990), p. 258
“I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”
As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 272
“My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.”
As quoted in On Being Blonde (2004), by P. Munier, p. 84
As quoted in Women Talk, edited by Michèle Brown & Ann OʼConnor (1984)
“It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.”
Reported in The Quotable Quote Book (Carol Publishing Group, 1990), p. 258
“If God wanted us to bend over he would put diamonds on the floor.”
„I'm Jewish. I don't work out.."
As quoted in Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions (2000), p. 101
Variante: I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
“I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
On her plastic surgeries, quoted in The New York Times, 2008 (republished in The New York Daily News http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/joan-rivers-top-10-jokes-celebs-plastic-surgery-article-1.1928398#ixzz3CWeoRaTP
“Never floss with a stranger.”
As quoted in Words of Wisdom (1990), ed. by W. Safire & L. Safir, p. 358
As quoted in Funny Ladies (2001), by B. Adler, p. 213
Frequent response to an audience's groans or reactions to her remarks.
As quoted in Reader's Digest Quotable Quotes (1997), p. 87
“You know you are getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.”
Reported in The Quote Manual: Wisdom and Wit of the Ages (2005), by R. G. Moscatelli, p. 201
“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
As quoted in The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (2003), by R. Byrne, 94
As quoted in On Being Blonde: Wit and Wisdom from the World's Most Infamous Blondes (2004), by P. Munier, p. 83
As quoted in Seriously Funny (2009), by G. Nachman, p. 606
“I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."”
As quoted in R. Byrne, Third and Possibly the Best 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (1987)
“Looking fifty is great—if you're sixty.”
As quoted in Dick Enberg's Humorous Quotes for All Occasions (2000), p. 21
Quoted in Wash. Post (24 Aug. 1982), as reported in The Yale Book of Quotations (2006), p. 638
“My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.”
Joan Rivers on BBC 2 (23 February 1990), as reported in The Quotable Jewish Woman (2004), by E. Partnow, p. 179
“Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.”
As quoted in R. Byrne, Third and Possibly the Best 637 Best Things Anybody Ever Said (1987)
As quoted in Enjoy Your Gifted Child (1986), by C. A. Takacs, p. 55
“There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.”
Quoted in L.A. Times (10 May 1974), as reported in The Yale Book of Quotations (2006), p. 638
David Seabury, as quoted in The Forbes Scrapbook of Thoughts on the Business of Life (1950), p. 248
Misattributed
“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.”
As quoted in On Being Blonde (2004), by P. Munier, p. 84
