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“War is failure! When you are at war, you have failed! When you have gone to a war of choice and lied about it, you're a double-triple, triple-quadruple failure!”

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Janeane Garofalo

Majority Report, July 22, 2005 broadcast
Majority Report
Kontext: You know George W. Bush is a war-time president, he says - proudly. Guess what. War is failure! When you are at war, you have failed! When you have gone to a war of choice and lied about it, you're a double-triple, triple-quadruple failure! Or a warlord. It's called a warlord in other countries. A war time president here. One man's ceiling I guess is another man's floor. George Bush is a warlord. He's a failure!

“Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.”

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Janeane Garofalo

Feel This Book, co-authored with Ben Stiller
from "Feel this Book"
Quelle: Feel This Book: An Essential Guide to Self-Empowerment, Spiritual Supremacy, and Sexual Satisfaction
Kontext: Many people feel that mass acceptance and smooth socialization are desirable life paths for a young adult... Many people are often wrong... Don't bother being nice. Being popular and well liked is not in your best interest. Let me be more clear; if you behave in a manner pleasing to most, then you are probably doing something wrong. The masses have never been arbiters of the sublime, and they often fail to recognize the truly great individual. Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

“To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.”

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Janeane Garofalo

standup performance, date unknown[citation needed]
Standup routines

“Red flag of the eating disorder: the muffin. Keep your eye on the ladies with the muffins…and sometimes I'll just eat the muffin top.”

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Janeane Garofalo

self-titled TV comedy special, 1997
Standup routines

“The reason the corporate media serves the Republican agenda so much is it means they don't have to work hard. They don't have to do anything. They don't have to do investigative journalism. They don't have to get into the dirty waters of speaking truth to power. If the corporate media continues to serve their Republican masters, then their job is easy peasy. It's nuttin'. You go to Matt Drudge. You go get some stuff from Karl Rove. You go to Grover Norquist meetings. You get the talking points. Easy peasy.”

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Janeane Garofalo

Majority Report, July 12, 2005 broadcast
Majority Report

“I think we all remember where we were when Rush Hour hit the water. That was an important day.”

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Janeane Garofalo

self-titled TV comedy special, 1997
Standup routines

“The new Republican party. Accountability last. If ever. That is the Republican party. Now I am confident we progressives, we liberals, can change this, but it's gonna take a lot of work and we can hustle it along faster: you know the universe does tilt towards justice eventually, but we can make it tilt faster if we continue to work together in Democratic circles, liberal circles, progressive circles, libertarian circles, and true conservative circles to try and change the type of people we elect and the type of news media we have and the type of pundits we allow to pollute our airwaves. Myself included. I shouldn't be a pundit. I don't know why I am, but they asked me to, and once your name is in the rolodex, you're in. So sometimes I go on -yeah I stink. I'm a stinky pundit! …well, compared to the pundits they have I'm fantastic! But in the real world, I stink, and should not be a pundit.”

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Janeane Garofalo

Majority Report, April 21, 2005 broadcast
Majority Report

“To a right-winger, unions are awful. Why do right-wingers hate unions? Because collective bargaining is the power that a worker has against the corporation. Right-wingers hate that.”

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Janeane Garofalo

Majority Report, June 3, 2005 broadcast
Majority Report

“You know what is good about these Dixie Chicks burnings or bashings? It's a wonderful, wonderful way for really stupid people to hook up. They meet, they throw some things on the fire, they talk about Vin Diesel, they tell stories about who their favorite Fox anchor is, they exchange phone numbers and in some cases has led to marriages.”

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Janeane Garofalo

standup performance, 2003[citation needed]
Standup routines

“I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person — as the people in this room will attest.”

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Janeane Garofalo

standup performance, date unknown[citation needed]
Standup routines

“I can't wait for the next fad though, and I predict it's going to be Pennsylvania dutch culture, very Amish. It's going to be bonnets and butter churns.”

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Janeane Garofalo

self-titled TV comedy special, 1997
after discussing ubiquitious rap influences upon mainstream culture
Standup routines

“I think right about now I should answer some questions that are probably on your mind. You're probably thinking to yourself, 'Janeane, why are you not wearing the half-shirt that you're usually so fond of wearing? Because when we see you we like to see the half shirt.' You know I'm very fond of that and I'm fond of the low-slung jean and the thong, as you know. In fact when I go into a bar and I see ladies wearing the low-slung jeans and the half-shirts, I go up to them and say, 'On behalf of everyone here, thank you. Thank you!' 'Hey, pretty lady, are you wearing a thong? What a creative way to create favor with the opposite sex. That is so exciting. Let me understand the dynamic of the thong: so there's just a slender thread that just resides in your nether region for the better part of the day - just a string that rides in your anatomical hinterlands… it just hangs in there all day at work and then all day at the bar, so I can see how the gentlemen find that so exciting.'… Don't 'ooh' me, I'm not the one with the thong!”

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Janeane Garofalo

standup performance accessible through .WAV files available on the Internet
Standup routines

“There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.”

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Janeane Garofalo

Majority Report, November 10, 2004 broadcast
Majority Report

“Nationalism and patriotism in the wrong hands will destroy lives, it really will, because I'll tell you something: it takes a village to ruin a child. I think we've proven that time and time again in this country.”

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Janeane Garofalo

self-titled TV comedy special, 1997
Standup routines

“When I see guys in bars wearing the real fitted kind of Calvin Klein v-neck t-shirts I just want to go up to them and be like, 'Oh, do you work out? Your tricep looks so great - thank you.”

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Janeane Garofalo

standup performance (accessible through .WAV files available on the Internet)[citation needed]
Standup routines

“I think that by staying out of shape at the age of 33 I'm doing myself a huge favor for my future. There will never be anyone commenting on how I've 'let myself go.' I've gone. It's gone. It's not going, it's GONE.”

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Janeane Garofalo

Feel This Book, co-authored with Ben Stiller
from "Feel this Book"

“I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.”

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Janeane Garofalo

standup performance accessible through .WAV files available on the Internet[citation needed]
Standup routines

“"And here's some legislation: Thank the good lord that this passed before the break for vaycay. No cloning! No cloning! Urgent! Big red rubber stamper! Let's get this out of the way! Let's deal with this! The no cloning issue. Uhm, I wasn't really worried about it. I don't know about anybody else, but it really wasn't keeping me up nights. I think I'll worry about it when we finally get our jetpacks and our food pills for five course meals. I think then we'll deal with that because I think during Roddenberry times we were promised those two things and I haven't seen them, but just in case that wasn't enough for you, for Congress to get involved, the Vatican had something to say about it. The Vatican Counsel met, and I took this out of the New York Times, here's what they said after a big meeting, " 'Human cloning would not lead to identical souls because only God can create a soul,' a panel set up by Pope John Paul has concluded." Right on! They also took care of a couple other things that were burning issues. Apparently Trix are indeed for kids, and one other thing. After much deliberation it has been decided that no you cannot tackle the kid after he releases the ball in Smear The Queer. Can't do it. So we got that out of the way."”

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Janeane Garofalo

self-titled TV comedy special, 1997
Standup routines

“Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area.”

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Janeane Garofalo

CNN's Crossfire, 2003
Television

“All roads lead to my dogs, don't they?”

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Janeane Garofalo

self-titled TV comedy special, 1997
Standup routines

“There's always [on women's magazines] that great photo of the actress or model lifting up her shirt just to show you the bone structure and the six-pack of her own. It's almost like when horses are auctioned and they show you their teeth. 'Am I good enough?”

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Janeane Garofalo

standup performance (accessible through .WAV files available on the Internet)[citation needed]
Standup routines

“…because we don't have a Fairness Doctrine, and because we have further media consolidation, and because we have a craptastic corporate media, WE DON'T HAVE NEWS! We don't have an informed populous and we don't have a democracy… Everyone in the world knows that America, (in its current state, because of right-wingers) that the right wing arm of this country (that speaks for this country unfortunately) has no credibility when it comes to human rights or independent media.”

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Janeane Garofalo

Majority Report, April 21, 2005 broadcast
Majority Report

“Granted, not really a joke, but how often do you get a mic in your hand? You know? So. I am sorry but don't anybody trip on my soap box on the way out. Don't anybody trip over that. And the chip on my shoulder's a little heavy. I have back problems now.”

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Janeane Garofalo

self-titled TV comedy special, 1997
said after she suggested a "Buddy System" where pro-lifers are federally assigned orphaned babies
Standup routines