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Chelsea Handler Zitate

Chelsea Joy Handler ist eine US-amerikanische Komikerin, Schauspielerin, Autorin und Produzentin.

✵ 25. Februar 1975  •  Andere Namen چلسی هندلر, تشيلسي هاندلر, 雀兒喜·漢德勒, 切尔西·汉德勒, 切爾西·漢德勒
Chelsea Handler Foto
Chelsea Handler: 35 Zitate0 Gefällt mir

Chelsea Handler: Zitate auf Englisch

“Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.”

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Chelsea Handler Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me

Quelle: Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me

“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”

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Chelsea Handler

Quelle: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her.”

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Chelsea Handler

That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer.
My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands (2005)

“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.”

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Chelsea Handler buch Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Quelle: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”

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Chelsea Handler buch Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea (2008)
Quelle: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”

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Chelsea Handler

Quelle: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.”

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Chelsea Handler

“My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.”

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Chelsea Handler

Quelle: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands (2005)

“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”

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Chelsea Handler buch Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

Quelle: Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.”

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Chelsea Handler buch Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Quelle: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.”

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Chelsea Handler

Quelle: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands (2005)

“I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.”

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Chelsea Handler

Quelle: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“My father has a high opinion of his opinion”

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Chelsea Handler buch Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Quelle: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.”

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Chelsea Handler buch Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

Quelle: Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together.”

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Chelsea Handler

Quelle: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.”

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Chelsea Handler

Quelle: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second… or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.”

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Chelsea Handler

“Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there?”

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Chelsea Handler buch Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Quelle: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.”

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Chelsea Handler

Quelle: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.”

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Chelsea Handler

Quelle: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.”

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Chelsea Handler

Quelle: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking.”

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Chelsea Handler buch Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Quelle: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week.”

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Chelsea Handler buch Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea (2008)
Quelle: Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea

“Vomit and feces are two reason I have decided not to procreate.”

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Chelsea Handler buch Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

Quelle: Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

“I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.”

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Chelsea Handler

Quelle: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

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