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“Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends: They're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.”

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John Oliver

After quoting a BBC report claiming that most "Big Pharma" companies spend more money on marketing than research and development
Last Week Tonight: Marketing to Doctors https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQZ2UeOTO3I (8 Feb 2015)
Last Week Tonight (2014–present)

“But if you think it's going to get any better, let me burst that bubble of optimism now because I was fortunate enough last year to be invited to the First Republican Presidential Candidate Debate in Simi Valley in California, which, interestingly, was exactly as much fun as it sounds. But it was, obviously a privilege to be there and I did get to witness one incredible moment of political theater when all, at that point, ten of the potential leaders of the free world were asked the same question. And that question was "Who here doesn't believe in evolution?" And three of those men raised their hands. And then none of those three men put their hands down and said "Only joking."”

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John Oliver

And their confidence was seductive!
John Oliver: Terrifying Times (2008)

“I started looking into these groups in America, campaigns groups who want to put stickers on the front of all school science text books saying that Evolution is only one possible theory of life on earth. Now, although this seems like a stupid idea at first, second, and thirty ninth glance, look at it once more. Give it that fortieth view. Because it's brilliant. Let's have stickers on the front of all books! Slap one on the front of the Bible saying "Of course this could all be bullsh*t. Maybe he never died! Perhaps he opened a donkey sanctuary. He had a clear bond with donkeys." Or slap one on the Theory of Gravity! "Look, that's just one man's opinion. Maybe we could all fly! R. Kelly believed it so. Why would he lie to us? What does he possibly stand to gain?"”

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John Oliver

John Oliver: Terrifying Times (2008)

“Many people would argue that the most dangerous inhabitant of the earth is currently the self styled 43rd president of the United States. Not so much in deed anymore as in word. Because to hear that man speak is to wish upon yourself physical harm.”

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John Oliver

John Oliver: Terrifying Times (2008)

“For the record if someone did that to me I'd hitch a ride to the International Space Station straight away; of course who am I kidding, they would never let me in, I've got spiders for hands! Internet is mean!”

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John Oliver

Last Week Tonight: Online Harassment https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuNIwYsz7PI Last Week Tonight: Online Harassment (21 June 2015)
Last Week Tonight (2014–present)

“It's like catching an ice cream cone out of the air because a child was hit by a car.”

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John Oliver

" Brexit Update https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nh0ac5HUpDU#t=0m48s" (ff. 0:00:48), June 27, 2016; on David Cameron announcing his resignation after the Brexit referendum.
Last Week Tonight (2014–present)

“In science, you don't just get to cherry-pick the parts that justify what you were going to do anyway! That's religion! You're thinking of religion.”

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John Oliver

" Scientific Studies https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Rnq1NpHdmw#t=14m38s" (ff. 0:14:44), May 8, 2016; in response to Al Roker's advice to "find the study that sounds best to you"
Last Week Tonight (2014–present)

“As far as I can see, this is a system that has enriched multiple companies and that pays and fires teachers with a cattle birthing formula, confuses children with talking pineapples, and has the same kind of rules regarding transparency as Brad Pitt had for Fight Club.”

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John Oliver

Last Week Tonight: Standardized Testing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J6lyURyVz7k Last Week Tonight: Standardized Testing (3 May 2015)
Last Week Tonight (2014–present)

“You have just constructed a straw man so large you could burn it in the desert and hold an annoying festival around it.”

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John Oliver

Last Week Tonight (15 June 2014)
Last Week Tonight (2014–present)

“The world's become so horrifying now. It's too easy to become cynical about things and that's not fair and it doesn't work. And in fact, there is hope for the world. And it is in the form of Wikipedia. Now, Wikipedia will save us all. I found this out when recently a friend of mine emailed me and he said that someone had created a Wikipedia entry about me. I didn't realize this was true, so I looked it up. And like most Wikipedia entries, it came with some flamboyant surprises, not least amongst them my name. Because in it it said my name was John Cornelius Oliver. Now my middle name is not Cornelius because I did not die in 1752. But obviously, I want it to be. Cornelius is an incredible name. And that's when it hit me — the way the world is now, fiction has become more attractive than fact. That is why Wikipedia is such a vital resource. It's a way of us completely rewriting our history to give our children and our children's children a much better history to grow up with. We seem to have no intention of providing them with a future. Let's at least give them a past. It is in a very real sense the least we can do.”

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John Oliver

John Oliver: Terrifying Times (2008)

“When your rainy day fund is so big you've got to check it for swimming cartoon ducks, you might not be a non-profit anymore.”

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John Oliver

Last Week Tonight (8 June 2014)
Last Week Tonight (2014–present)

“John Oliver: You've stated that you believe there could be an infinite number of parallel universes. Does that mean that there is a universe out there where I am smarter than you?
Stephen Hawking: Yes. And also a universe where you're funny.”

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John Oliver

Last Week Tonight (15 June 2014) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPV3D7f3bHY
Last Week Tonight (2014–present)

“… we were in a situation where, in the event of us launching a nuclear strike, the President's command would theoretically have gone through a man gambling with fake poker chips, who would've then tried to call a drunk guy wrestling with a Russian George Harrison, who would've then needed to send someone with a bag full of burritos to wake up an officer and tell him to go grab an LP-sized floppy disk and begin the solemn process of ending the world as we know it.”

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John Oliver

Summary of 2013–2014 reports on U.S. nuclear readiness and scandals surrounding senior commanders
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, " Nuclear Weapons https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y1ya-yF35g&list=TLeoQj9IyeZL6VlHPQssfu-G9qgwZfEIJu" segment (ff. 0:07:50), c. July 27, 2014
Last Week Tonight (2014–present)

“He is truly one of the most revolting humans (minions) I have ever seen. In a way, there is no more fitting spokesman for the Trump administration than an entitled, elitist arsehole who refuses to take responsibility for the messes he makes, and who can somehow pick a fight with the Statue of Liberty.”

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John Oliver

" Stephen Miller https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQ2noQY5kRQ" (ff. 0:02:45), August 4, 2017; on Stephen Miller.
Last Week Tonight (2014–present)

“Lest we forget, when Europe goes far right, they go far right through Belgium.”

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John Oliver

Last Week Tonight: European Far Right https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFEeS2OXpoI Last Week Tonight: European Far Right (2 June 2014)
Last Week Tonight (2014–present)