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“Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.”

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Doug Stanhope

When asked, "What would constitute 'complete happiness' to Doug Stanhope (you)?" Doug Stanhope interview http://markprindle.com/stanhope-i.htm, MarkPrindle.com, 2007
Miscellaneous

“I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.”

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Doug Stanhope

Something to Take the Edge Off (2000)

“"Drugs support terrorism"? No, your SUV supports terrorism.”

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Doug Stanhope

Word of Mouth (2002)

“Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.”

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Doug Stanhope

Deadbeat Hero (2004)

“(on people who join the military) As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.”

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Doug Stanhope

Deadbeat Hero (2004)

“I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.”

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Doug Stanhope

Something to Take the Edge Off (2000)

“At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.”

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Doug Stanhope

No Refunds (2007)

“Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.”

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Doug Stanhope

No Refunds (2007)

“Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.”

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Doug Stanhope

Oslo: Burning The Bridge To Nowhere (2011)

“You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best… you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.”

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Doug Stanhope

Deadbeat Hero (2004)

“America may be the best country, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress. Just because you're the best doesn't mean you're good.”

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Doug Stanhope

Word of Mouth (2002)

“We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard — and you want me to have hope for these fuckin' monkeys on swing-sets?”

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Doug Stanhope

Oslo: Burning The Bridge To Nowhere (2011)

“Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!”

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Doug Stanhope

Deadbeat Hero (2004)

“All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs… and more holes, that's what you ladies need!”

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Doug Stanhope

Deadbeat Hero (2004)

“You know the funny thing about child pornography: […] the lack of credits at the end. No ego on that side of Hollywood, is there? “Who did the editing on this film, it's seamless! I want to use him on my independent documentary”— but no names. Not even a nom de plume. Some people are in it just for the art.”

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Doug Stanhope

From Across The Street (2009)

“There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.”

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Doug Stanhope

Deadbeat Hero (2004)

“The word addiction is used far too liberally in our society and I shy away from it. If I have any addiction, it would be nicotine. I would say alcohol is more of a compulsive habit for me. I have used different narcotics for roughly 20 years and I have always used them socially, sporadically and usually sparingly. I use cocaine occasionally and sometimes medicinally - before a third show Saturday, a bump of coke can make the difference between a strong performance and just phoning it in - and I've never developed any type of habit, never craved it the next day. I will use hallucinogens a few times a year as well, always in a safe environment. So far as an "early grave," I'm more concerned with quality of life. No sense in having a mint condition classic car if you're afraid to take it out of the garage. I look as sadly at people awash in hand-sanitizer and surgical masks in elevators as they might see me when I'm pouring booze down my head on stage.”

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Doug Stanhope

On his drug use. Doug Stanhope interview http://markprindle.com/stanhope-i.htm, MarkPrindle.com, 2007
Miscellaneous

“There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.”

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Doug Stanhope

Before Turning the Gun on Himself (2012)

“Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.”

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Doug Stanhope

Something to Take the Edge Off (2000)

“[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry, sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff away." You didn't put it away… it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.”

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Doug Stanhope

Deadbeat Hero (2004)

“I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil."”

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Doug Stanhope

Are you a president or an exorcist?!
Word of Mouth (2002)

“Whether the reasoning for these laws is insurance costs, more opportunities for random taxation through traffic stops, curbing lost production or any other justification that could be offered, the bottom line is that it isn't governments place. You own your body. No legislation should infringe on that.”

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Doug Stanhope

On legislation against drug use, driving without a seatbelt, and motorcycling without a helmet. Doug Stanhope interview http://markprindle.com/stanhope-i.htm, MarkPrindle.com, 2007
Miscellaneous

“Suicide is another thing that's so frowned upon in this society, but honestly, life isn't for everybody. It really isn't. It's sad when kids kill themselves 'cause they didn't really give it a chance, but life is like a movie: if you've sat through more than half of it and it sucked every second so far, it probably isn't gonna get great right at the very end for you and make it all worthwhile. No one should blame you for walking out early.”

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Doug Stanhope

Something to Take the Edge Off (2000)

“If you're offended by any word, in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.”

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Doug Stanhope

Before Turning the Gun on Himself (2012)

“If you really believe that death leads to eternal bliss, then why are you wearing a seatbelt?”

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Doug Stanhope

Word of Mouth (2002)

“Well, you know these immigrants, they come to our country, they burden our tax system. What they do is they come here and get into our education system and our health care and I gotta pay the taxes. My taxes have to pay that. Well what the fuck are you doing to me every time you have a kid? Every time you have a kid because its American I should pull up a chaise lounge and wave a flag while 15 of those things come out of you? Oh, I can’t wait to pay for these! They’re American! I have a vasectomy and an abortion on my record, but I can’t wait to pay for your fucking fat-headed mid-western kids. Love it! I’ll take a second job.”

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Doug Stanhope

No Refunds (2007)

“You were born free, you got fucked out of half of it and you wave a flag celebrating it.”

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Doug Stanhope

Deadbeat Hero (2004)

“All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer.”

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Doug Stanhope

Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!
Deadbeat Hero (2004)