David Cross Zitate

“I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.”

“High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know…”

“[After reading an article on Miles for Kids in an inflight journal] What [President of the Airline] is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids… But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?”

“The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.”

“[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.”

“[With reference to a 'how to date' book] Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.”

“The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!”

“If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.”

“So I was watching this one show where - there's a guy on stage and he pretends he has contact with the dead and spirits talk to him…[Some people in the audience give suggestions, one of which is Crossing Over. ] Crossing–…no, no, no, no, no, it was, uh, church. It was church.”

“James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.”

“Rickey Henderson, pick up the phone, man, it's me… you.”

“All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You’re just inconvenienced.”

“I don't remember ordering the Christian sandwich…”

“So all my friends have kids now… which I think is rude.”

“I think we can all agree that Blue Lives Murder. Now… Not all of them, not most of them, but a bunch of em, murder. [scoffs] Theyre murdering us. Well, not us. We're white, but….”

“In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes…you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"”

“Not funny, not funny says she, didn't like it!”

“You know who doesn't like that bit? Cops. They don't like it. They don't like it. And I think its important -- I'm being sincere. I think its important that we acknowledge, all of us, that there are plenty of good, decent, ethical, very brave cops, who put their lives on the line every day, and they don't appreciate being painted with this broad brush as being violent predators just because of the actions of a minority of their brothers. They don't like being stereotyped so that when you see blue, you just think "Oh, violent thug."”

“We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see… all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.”

“It's hip to be square. Remember that shitty song by that shitty band 20 motherfuckin' years ago?”

“We should just make it a little bit more difficult for people with known violent tendencies to be able to get a gun. And I'm not talking about the cops. No. Not talking about the cops. I'm saying, let's make it a little bit more difficult for mentally unstable people with known violent tendencies to be able to get a gun. And again, I'm not talking about the cops. If you can go on their Facebook page and see that this guy is a virulent racist, right? Make it a little more difficult for virulent racists, who are mentally unstable with known violent tendencies to be able to get-- And again, I'm not talking about the cops.”

“[On the Iraq War] I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. [laughter, long pause] No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are…”

“[After having made an abortion joke] I know that can hit close to home for some people…. was anyone here aborted?… (mimicking child's voice:) 'I was found in a trash can!”

“I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men…I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. (woman in audience says “Not buying that”) No? That one, you don’t believe it? You believe that I didn’t do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I’m going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what’s described as a 'joke.'”

“If the terrorists hated freedom, the Netherlands would be fucking dust.”

“So at the CES, there was a guy selling off this porno called Fuck My Dirty Shithole: The Movie.”